The Scary side of 20’s/ Deep Thought

Bad news not on the good side of 25 anymore. Worse news, for the first time I’m aware of it. Even more worse news, stagnating also for the first time in Life.
Like Jerry Maguire says in his mission statement, these are scary times we live in (Maybe not in those exact same words but to the same effect). Anyway given my old creaky body, have also had many pondering moments. So I was just thinking last evening...

"When did it all stop being fun and start being scary?"

For Starters, less that a year ago life was hunky dory. I was on was constantly on a roll. It was always about how can this hideous thing be made more fun. I never had any trouble getting along with people, I could have a drink with almost anyone and actually find some common ground to talk about. If it was raining when I was in office like it is now, I would have without another thought jumped in and got wet and even dragged someone in with me.

But of late I’m finding most of it an impossibility. A harmless drink with someone I don’t know is cripplingly borinf. Coffee, Movie, Lunch, Dinner, the lot is out of question with anyone I have not know for over 365days.

Work has become a series of cribs, of what I’m not getting and what I deserve more. No satisfaction in mundane task like sending artworks which was earlier a joyous thing to do. Paranoid about most people intentions including best friends, boy friends, co-workers, parents and the rest. Full of even more paranoid theories and exhausting conclusions.

So all and all not a pretty place to be in.

Sure I have a lot to be happy about:

1.Currently at my thinnest best
2.Work is actually a breeze what with experience and all
3. Money best compared to all other times of life
4. Somewhat gaining control on previous haywire financial mess
5. Love a boy. Very Much.
6. Honestly believe He loves Me. Very Much
7.Can consume more alcohol that ever could by entire life. Had 9 large Rum & Cokes and staggered back with great dignity.
8.For the first time know and respect my friends
9.Enjoying writing more than ever. And honestly feel getting better at it.
10.Gaining control over excessive need to burst into tears.
11. After unparalleled heat wave, Bangalore Weather in the evening at gorgeous best what with intense rain and all.

Before it starts to seem like what the hell am I cribbing about,also have dozen reasons to charge and the first oncoming truck and end it all.

1. Work’s a mess
2.Love life even bigger mess. Convinced it must be me.
3.Vicky Died
4.Anniversary of last year unmentionable crime
5.Haven’t been on a Holiday for so long. Can’t remember what it feels to wake up and not let the first thought be work related.
6. No longer capable of earlier talent of constantly being chirpy. Dark, Brooding and Sulky is all me
7. Feeling oodles of guilt towards parents for not being married at 21.
8.Have developed lots of double standards in life. Doing things that previously thought was shameful.
9.Can no longer just enjoy the moment without thinking of future consequence.
10.Smoking like a chimney
11.Drinking like a fish
12.Refusing to face reality

Yes, maybe this is more a negative post than a positive one. But hey, that’s how I really feel right now. So I’m just going to say it. I’m tired of constantly believing it’ll eventually work out. Continuously being positive life affirming person grating on nerves. I’m tired of believing that there is a greater cause waiting for me and that cause will dawn mysteriously as I sit here waiting and doing nothing.

I don’t know maybe it’s just been a hard day at work what with just one hour of sleep in between yesterday and today.

Maybe like the bellboy tells Julia Roberts in ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’….."This too shall pass"